Negotiation principle 1: Separate matter and relationship
Negotiation principle 1: Separate matter and relationship
Who doesn’t know that? We avoid the conversation for fear of hurt feelings or because we fear the relationship could suffer. That is why we have to keep these two things apart or look at them separately. What is meant by the distinction between thing and relationship?
Assign
What is involved in dealing with the matter and the relationship?
The distinction has now become clear and the meaning of the distinction is now certainly understandable. We should not focus one-sidedly on one or the other, otherwise the following will happen: One-sided attention to the relationship (and not to the matter) leads to being too nice, not addressing differences, leaving out one’s own needs for fear that the other person might suffer or react unpleasantly. Paying one-sided attention to the matter (and not to the relationship) results in being too brusque/brutal. Paying attention only to your own needs, making radical demands, offending the other person. If you can’t keep these two things apart, you will have difficulty in negotiations. The fear of breaking the relationship paralyzes the factual discussion. The issue vs. the relationship should not only be kept apart, but both should be served in a good way. The motto is therefore: Be clear* on the matter (*certain, precise, firm) and soft** with the person/relationship (*polite, appreciative, respectful). In order to reconcile both, you need a balance of self-empathy/self-esteem and empathy for the other person, as well as good communication skills. Clear on the matter – soft on the relationship – 5 ways to achieve this.
1 OK entry
Imagine that you want to raise a sensitive point and you want the other person to understand this objectively. Before you address the sensitive point, express your positive intention or appreciation. Important: OK introductions must be meant seriously. They also work better if they do without negations, i.e. if they are formulated positively (without not).
Perhaps well-intentioned, but not successful O.K. entrances (not like that!):
“Please don’t take it personally.” “Please don’t take it the wrong way.” “Don’t take it the wrong way.” “You don’t have to feel attacked.” “It’s not criticism, but…”
Instead like this:
“I want to be completely open.” “I am interested in clarity.” “I want to create transparency.” “I’m being honest and direct now.” “Let me speak plainly.” “I want to create clear conditions.”
2 I-messages (instead of you-messages)
Addressing sensitive issues works poorly with “you” messages because they trigger defensive reactions. You-messages are direct addresses combined with negative evaluations. (Example: “You’re looking at it the wrong way.”) Addressing sensitive issues works much more successfully if you turn you-messages into I-messages. So think about what you want to get across and show your point of view. Use “different” instead of “wrong”. Instead of: You see it wrong. Like this: I see it differently. Instead of: You misunderstood me. Like this: I mean it differently. Instead of: You’re talking confused. Like this: I can’t follow.
3 Fault first
Imagine there is an emotional ripple in the conversation: the other person reacts indignantly to your suggestion. “Disruption first” means: Address the disruption at the relationship level… and then move on to the factual solution. Example: I notice that you are annoyed by the suggestion. You probably have objections and I understand that. It’s important to me that you can understand the proposal. To do this, I need an open ear and patience from you so that I can explain how the proposal came about.
4 Empathy
The next method is also very helpful in smoothing out strong emotions. To do this, you need to empathize with the other person. No matter what the other person says, pay attention to two things: feelings and needs. Then formulate a sentence that shows that you assume the other person has these feelings and needs. This helps the person to realize how they are feeling and strengthens the trust that you want to deal with them in a positive way. Listening to you, I get the impression that you are afraid* that I want to put you at a disadvantage and that you want a win-win solution**. Also read the blog … Marshall
5 Yes pick up
The next method also helps with emotional waves. It is similar to empathy but a little easier to do. Here too, you have to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and want to understand what is going on inside them. However, this doesn’t necessarily have to be a feeling or a need. Perhaps you are one of those people who (still) struggle with emotional language. Some people are uncomfortable talking about feelings and needs, at least when they start (emotional language is unfamiliar to them, shameful, causes fear of unpleasant reactions, alienating effects or loss of self-confidence). There is also an alternative here. Say something that picks the other person up and to which they can inwardly say “Yes, that’s right”. Example: My price probably seems too high to you. And you don’t want to pay more than you can understand. Correct?” Ex: Does my proposal seem unfair to you? As soon as the other person says yes, you have a connection again and can negotiate further. For example, you can say: “It may seem that way. Let me explain…”
